The story of us.

Today I close the story of us,
Ending any hopes of our future..
What I now know is, it was never meant to be..
I always loved you.. yet.. you never loved me..
I realize I am worthy of finding love that isn't deceitful
A love that isn't confusing..
One that doesn't use me..
Maybe you never knew.. and now you never will..
goodbye to the imagination of our fairytale..
I'll stop loving you one day..
and on that day, you'll realize I was always the one..
Yet I got away..
Make your mistakes, enjoy them, remember them..
Remember they ended our story..
and any chance that we could ever be..

Busy September.

Hello one and All, 10 days into September and I am in much better spirits as it seems drastic measures I thought had to be taken no longer have to be.. hopefully, for now..
yesterday I think a culmination of repressing my feelings in front of others, trying to remain strong through everything came to a screeching halt and I just had a complete emotional breakdown. I felt much better after, but I think I need to work on dealing with the stress and drama that is impacting my life right now.. its just really hard.. but I am trying. I am truly blessed to have such amazing friends.. I say it time and time again.. I honestly wouldn't be here without them.. at least not halfway sane. I find it funny that most my best friends I met on a complete fluke.. sometimes unplanned events lead to life changing moments..

I am on the path to bettering my life and trying to get back on my feet.. I feel like I need a reality show or something.. I guarantee I would get some pretty big ratings..
it's time to do things differently, I will admit in my life I have been a procrastinator on certain aspects but, no more of that.. I can't afford to slack off one more day once I get back to the city where I can start getting into doing various things for self improvement.. If I were to blow this chance I would never forgive myself.. no excuses.. as hard as all of this has been, its just what I needed to get my head out of the clouds.. I wouldn't say I was lazy, but I lacked motivation.. I keep telling people I am going to write a book in the future on my life.. I actually have a few projects in the works.. hopefully they pan out.. only time will tell..

I am not the only one fallen on hard times.. this is one of the most expensive cities to live in, most people are either barely scrapping by, or going without.. I have expressed my feelings in the past on how I feel about NYC, I love it.. I just hate what it does to people..especially those who will do anything to live here.. I do picture myself leaving here in the future.. maybe not long term.. but just to see what it would be like to live a normal life elsewhere, a life where I don't have to struggle to get by.. the whole country is affected by the "recession" but there has to be something better then having to fork over 1000+ dollars month to month to live in a cramped apartment..whatever happens, you all are on this journey with me in spirit and I can't wait to see how this all turns out..

Last night I hung out with my best friends in the city... we were suppose to go to a show.. but a weird series of events happened, and we just ended up people watching on a corner.. trust me.. it was freaking HILARIOUS! I almost wanted to film what happened but no way they would have let me get away with it.. my friends tend to be picky about being on camera.. meh so much for being a viral video hit haha.. I didn't get back home till about, 7 or 8 am.. Totally worth it.

Now, on to my September plans, There a crap load of shows I want to go to and not to mention the san gennaro festival which I tend to go with David to every year, this year its Sept 15th to the 25th, I can't wait! I don't look forward to the crowds.. but, I do know that I have mastered it pretty well, Maybe there will be some karaoke like last year.. that was flipping hilarious, I promise to have a crap load of pics and videos.. maybe I can sample some of that delicious food they have at the feast... I always have a great time every year.. and maybe I can get some more peeps to come with me and turn this into a partayy.. we'll see.. I also have a lot of indie shows to go to.. I love love love the music scene in NYC, so many cool people and bands.. I do plan on networking for my friend Davids Radio Station: hopefully I can make some new friends while doing so, because who doesn't like making friends? I may not be a very social person, but that's changing with time... I also have a crap load of personal things to do in September.. so here's to very productive month.. and I hope to have made a dent into my goals by the end of it..

XOXO
Carolyn

random rant..

Its Officially September, already 6 days into it and I feel like its just whizzing by, it will be 2012 before we know it. To be quite honest with the way things are going that whole end of the world thing isn't looking so bad.. as if I were to believe it.. but, I feel so unmotivated, depressed and maybe a bunch of other emotions I can't quite express.. I hate feeling this way.. I didn't feel like this yesterday.. only today.. maybe its because I know the days are creeping up on me to have to make a choice on what I am going to do from here.. my choices are not pretty to be honest and I don't think I am going to fair too well.. once I leave where I am staying right now.. I know its only going to get harder.. I can only hope for the best.. but I am scared out of my mind.. scared that I am starting my life again from the ground up and that I may not do as well as I would like.

I am on my own in life right now and I am completely unprepared.. I am thinking I should start writing that book I have been considering about my life because the things I have been through at 23 years of age.. I would not wish upon my worst enemy.. it seems like I am getting crapped on in every facet of my life and Its been like this for sometime.. once in a while I would have a rough patch but this seems ridiculous.. Soon I am going to purchase a domain and start telling my story in detail.. as I have said before.. New York can be so beautiful.. but only for those who have it together to an extent.. all I want is stability somewhere in my life.. I just want all of this to be over.

those old school days..

The End Of August is among us and soon the school kids will back in their classrooms. Today I was watching the local news and Saw a few back to school segments, I will be the first to tell you that I was never a big fan of school once I got into middle school, Elementary school was the best because I suppose those were my fondest school memories. I can close my eyes and I remember what that first day of school felt like in any given year, that smell of new books and pencils, that fear of new things, unknown things, new kids, teachers, seating arrangements.... If you think about it, The whole thing can be very overwhelming. I was always shy as a kid and maybe that was my downfall, I always felt uncomfortable around new kids and teachers, I never felt like I fit in. I wish I could do it over and who knows how things would have turned out.. but unfortunately you can't change the past..

I still have tendencies to be shy or feel uncomfortable around people but I have gotten much better at it over the years.. I take time to warm up to people and after that they being to see who I really am.. I am working on it..

Right now I am feeling sort of lost and confused on what to do next since things haven't turned out how I would've liked, its hard to start from the beginning and be on your own in life.. I am trying to figure what to do next but all that I am going through right now is new to me.. its not anything that hasn't been done by anyone in the past but it's taking me some time to adjust and face what may lie ahead for me.. I know somehow it will work out but I know it won't be easy by any means.. I just have to be strong.. but my strength has been tested.. I am just wishing for the best..

I am happy to report I am finally getting my cell phone replaced after much problems and aggravation with it, I gave up and told the company I need a new phone, I have needed one for some time now, but wanted to be hard headed and try everything but get the phone replaced.. hopefully it will be ready tomorrow so that I can get some things done as well as get the new phone..

This weekend will be interesting as hurricane Irene is heading our way, right now I am in long island, but I thing new jersey will be hurt the worst, I hope that if it makes any impact that it's small because the last thing anyone wants is to deal with the severity of a hurricane, speaking of natural disasters an earthquake hit nyc, or an aftershock.. but it was pretty significant, I didn't feel it because I was on the subway at the time.. I found out about it because my friend told me as soon as We met up.. after that everywhere I went there was talk about the earthquake..

The future is blurry, I don't know what path I am going to choose I just know that it can't all be bad.. Just hoping for the best.. as always I will keep you guys posted.. thanks for reading..

XoXo

Carolyn.

The Long Road + Thoughts on Surge launch

here I am sitting down thinking, I must have the crappiest luck in the world, seems like no matter what I do lately it doesn't go right.. I have to keep thinking there must be some twisted reason behind all of this.. what I have been waiting for might not work out.. I am not sure yet as I haven't gotten in contact with the person whom I need to speak to.. but I will say this... once all of this is said and done, NYC has a lawsuit on its hands.. you might see me on the news and if you do, you'll know what this has been about all along.. of course if I do pursue legal action I won't be able to write about what's going on till after the trial.. but. it will be done, I will get justice for what is being done to me.. I can promise you that.

When I am stressed like this I try to think of those who are worse off, because as bad as I have it there truly is someone who has it worse, I am not terminally ill, I eat every single day, I have a roof over my head, I will live to see tomorrow, unless some tragic event occurs.. tomorrow is promised to no one, we all know that.. 

On a Brighter note, today marked a very special day, The Launch of My best friend Davids Radio station www.surgeFm.com  after all the hard work and set backs it finally happened and I was there to witness it, So many memories I have of us, but this will be one of my faves by far, why? because this could be the beginning of something amazing for him and I couldn't be happier, I wish him the best of luck and of course I will still be a writer for the site so check out my reviews as they come along! plenty of good music, reviews and etc all over the site and there will be more to come.

I think I will listen to the thunder and rain, whilst I have surge playing in the background as I try to relax for a while... need to shut my brain off and not think for a while.. I swear my life is like a game of chess.. always planning my next move before I even make it.. hopefully this weekend will be as epic as the last.. Its definitely what I need.

XoXo

Carolyn

Weekend of Epicness.

For the first time in quite sometime I had a pretty Awesome weekend. August 12th was my best friend Dino's birthday, he turned 28..(or 21 in his mind.) on that Friday I came into the city with BFF David and we posted Surge Fm Fliers in as many spots as we could in the Subway and wherever else we thought they would be seen. Dino joined us later in the Afternoon and on that afternoon I felt completely different, I wasn't only happy that I was my best friends birthday and I got to see him as well as spend time with my other best friend but, I actually felt happy.. I have been so down lately that I forgot what happiness felt like. 

Afterwards we celebrated Dino's Birthday with some drinks, much hilarity ensued all weekend long.. playing pool, video games, or just talking.. whatever it was I had an awesome time.. we could have just watched paint dry and I would have loved it just because I was with my best friends.. I say it time and time again, they are the reason I am getting through my issues in life without losing my sanity, I love them dearly... ( just don't tell them that.. their heads might inflate more and burst.)

I feel more optimism, I feel well overall.. I hope this continues because I truly hate feeling miserable when I am generally a happy person.. unless I don't like you then I just give you the look of doom. Still playing the waiting game on a few things.. I hope the come true soon.. 

I have a busy day on tuesday and I have a feeling even though its monday.. 3 am.. I think next weekend is going to rock just as much. I will keep you guys updated.. 

XoXo 

Carolyn

The Thin Line Between Happiness & Sadness

In life, So many factors can change a single moment, it could be anything. 

One morning you could have a job interview for your dream job and suddenly the train breaks down, or the whole subway system could shut down over one small thing..you are left to find the quickest way possible to get to where you are going.. 

A true example of  this happened recently on the Long Island Rail Road, Due to lightning strikes which took out their signaling system during the evening rush.. you just never know what will happen at any given moment. Life can be so unpredictable. 

The reason I bring up how things can change at the blink of eye is because sometime tomorrow, (unsure of the exact time) I will find out if I will be taking my much needed vacation.. on my previous entry I stated why I need that vacation.. if you haven't read it check it out: http://dreamforeverxo.blogspot.com/2011/07/whirlwind-of-uncertainty-voiceless-in.html

It would be nice for once in this year to have some sort of luck with something.. if I can't have anything else.. I would really like this to work out. All I truly need is to get away and come back with a fresh mind ready to go back into battle to solve all the problems I have on hand in life right now. I have to also prepare myself in case this doesn't go as planned and I can't go on vacation.. If this is the case which I sincerely hope it isn't then I would have to somehow find the strength to pull through.. I just don't know if I can anymore.

Tonight to get my mind off things for a while.. I am going out with my friends to the trash bar in williamsburg. According to my Best friend David I am a trash bar legend, I am not sure if that's good thing but I do know every time we go there the most hilarious things occur, I couldn't tell you how a particular night is going to end.. but I know one thing, it is going to be a long night.. check my twitter time line for updates during the night.. If I get signal because for some reason in the trash bar my phone has no reception.. very odd..  maybe my company just sucks.. yeah sounds about right.

I will let you guys know what happens tomorrow.. hopefully it isn't late at night when I find out so that I can write an entry and also purchase the ticket as well, knowing me I won't get much sleep tomorrow.. I never do when I am waiting for something.. 

XoXo

Carolyn