sometimes scars don't heal but you learn to accept them and move on.

So its been awhile unfortunately.. but let me catch you guys up on what's been going on.

Well. I am still working at the parks, Honestly its not easy at all, I've gotten better as I continue to learn how to do things. Maintenance is a hard ass job especially when you are stuck with a bunch of garbage to pick up day after day, Rude people, walking constantly, it can take a toll. It's stopped me from doing a lot of things I've wanted to do out of exhaustion, I've gotten a bit better but I still need to work on my scheduling, I piss people off when I say I'll show up and I don't.. so I don't want to piss anyone off.. even if it means dragging my tired self somewhere when I'd rather be in bed. My boyfriend just called and asked me to go hang with him for lunch and I couldn't but I did see him yesterday.. Oh yes, Let me not get too far ahead of myself.  

Backtracking, My day consists now of getting up at 6, hitting snooze till 6:10, Always being a little late for the bus, but on somedays I will get it on time.. throughout this time I have met many different people, I met a woman who just wanted advice on how to get through to her daughter, I met people who are in the shelter system and are losing hope, I've seen countless adorable dogs, Cute kids, arguments, people just in their elements. You'd be surprise what you will see in a park. with that said I didn't think what happened to me would happen ever.. 

This week I was sick for two whole days, I have no clue what triggered it, but all I know its I was afraid to eat because whatever I ate I would throw it up, It started after I took a shower, I began to feel my chest burn so I thought I just needed to burp so I drank soda, I burped, it went away.. But then it came back with a vengeance soon after.. My chest was hurting my stomach had a lot of pain and I couldnt breathe.. so I took my asthma pump and I  used it, but it didn't help, I was in bed thinking I would die but I didn't want to go to the emergency room, I knew it would take forever, as sick as this sounds I would have rather died at home, but thankfully it wasn't my time to reach the summerland. 

I know you are probably thinking what is wrong with this chick? sick as a dog but doesnt go to the hospital.. wtf? well if you live near my hospital you probably wouldnt have gone either.. If it was worse I probably would have gone regardless. but soon after I vomited, and after that I couldnt keep anything down for 2 days but I still worked. Once I recovered thanks to pepto bismol and Seltzer water I still felt drained, I was hydrated but no food was in my system to give me energy. 

Here I am at work, apparently looking miserable as hell, And this guy sitting on a bench says to me " wow, you sure look like you're having fun."  I say "nope, Just doing it because I have no choice, I've been sick this is the last thing I want to do." we talked for a bit but I was in a rush because it was just me and this other lady left to do the whole park alone.. so we exchanged numbers, I'll admit, he wasnt what I am looking for in a guy physically, but something about him just drew me to him as if I was meant to meet him, usually when I don't think I'll connect well with someone ill just walk away and never talk to them again, but I had to get to know him, Everything happened fast, I was scared as hell but he's now my boyfriend.. I fought it a lot, deep inside I wanted to be with someone but I have been afraid to get hurt again.


I told him why I shut down emotionally the way I did and he understood.. I know a lot of people may not know, but my last serious relationship, the guy was my first real true love so it took me a while to get over it, I never felt heartbreak like that to the point where I'd cry for days on end at no given notice.. since that I promised myself I would never let a guy hurt me, I would hurt them instead, that became true, I did hurt a few people and for that I appologize, I almost told this guy that I didn't want to talk to him again.. I almost didn't go out with him yesterday.. He talked me back into going and I had a great time, I'm sad I didn't take pics though, but there will be more chances.. I can't wait to see him again.. I hope things work out for the best with us.. 


I just have to learn to not let the past dictate what happens in my future.


XoXo 

Carolyn.