End of the year drama..

Hey all.. So.. its November.. meaning that one month is left for this year to end... And of course.. the end of the year is is always bad for me.. I checked an old blog entry on Myspace..2009 sucked just as bad if not worse then the end of this year.. Its not all entirely bad though.

Where to start?

In 2009 I was jobless, Going to interviews and being rejected left and right, I was single and still dealing with my 1st love because I thought having him as a friend would work.. couldn't have been more wrong.. I didn't think I deserved better so I held on to what I knew.. which only lead to pain and more heartache.. I should have left him alone the minute he deceived me the 1st time.. You just know when the person is worth the pain.. but in this case.. he never was.

in 2009 I had no idea where my life was headed, i had given up entirely to the point I barely wanted to leave my house, I was depressed, I questioned my existence.. My purpose, no matter what anyone told me.. I didn't feel as though their optimism would ever help.. because at the end of the day.. I was just a loser and I would never go anywhere. Harsh words, But they were what I felt.. when I reach my breaking point where I shut down and can no longer keep going.. its a scary place mentally, this why I am trying my hardest this time to see a brighter side to what is happening..

Now.. 2010, well this year, as shitty as it is ending.. Has brought me many surprises.. many experiences, many stories I will be telling for years to come.  for my birthday I spent it with my best friend dino.. I don't remember if I actually got a chance to celebrate it or not.. shortly after my bday in march I began working for the parks, where my physical and emotional strength was tested... I will always refer to Prospect Park as boot camp now.. because I just have the images of doing my training there etched..

I got transfered to my actual park to work, for the following six months.. I met many people.. I saw so much.. I made a few good friends..  during this time In may I got back in contact with Morgan.. My bff throughout the years whom I was in and out of contact with.. I got drunk for the first time ever with my best friends..  that was awesome! I wasn't fond of not being in control of my own body, barely being able stand and all, but.. that  aside.. it was quite a positive experience.. only because I was with my friends.. I would never do that alone.. and it was not intentional.   I haven't been drunk since then.. its just one of those things you have to go through...

I dated quite a bit during the summer..... guys gave me their numbers most I ignored.. I had a boyfriend.. very shortly in july.. shortest relationship ever... I spent a lot of time in coney island with my mom, which is always nice.. theres nothing like standing on the pier looking out at the ocean.. I felt at peace... I worked and busted my ass in the park.. For once the summer did not suck, which is something I haven't said in sometime.

I went to the san gennaro festival with David, I also got to go to the halloween parade.. there was many more good things this year then there was last year, Over much flirting, hinting,debating, somehow I ended up with Morgan as My boyfriend..  october 23rd to be exact.. but, to me.. it feels like I have been with him for longer.. Maybe because knowing him is like knowing myself.. we are way too similar.. all the more reason to believe we are meant to be..

Now, I am currently unemployed, Dealing with issues of where I might be staying the next few weeks, Unsure what is to come.. I am stressed, I am somewhat sad.. Stressed because of what I am dealing with.. Sad because I wish I could be with Morgan right now.. I don't know what word to use to describe how helpless one feels unable to go see the one you love and care about.. it's not a good feeling... I will eventually learn to deal as our relationship progresses, being away from him, etc.. but right now.. its hard part of me is scared.. part of me feels desperate to do anything at this point just to go no matter what it took... I have never been to see him yet.. yeah I know you all think I am crazy.. if you do.. then I am blissfully insane.. When you find what I have found.. The kind of love I have found.. you know in the end if it's worth it.. I thought it was utter bullshit when people said you'll just know.. its actually true.

Morgan too is dealing with issues of his own.. But I think he is doing better now then what he was.. he has me.. why wouldn't  he?.. just sayin...

As the holidays approach.. the more difficult this is.. but I can do this.. we can do this.. I am not the only one dealing with drama.. My friends are as well.. I just wish We could all be happy.. somehow deep inside I know we will.

I shall leave you with a quote I got from @Ispeakfemale on twitter  

  

"If love were an ocean, how far would u swim? If love was a war, how hard would u fight? If love was pain, how much pain would you endure?"

XOXO
Carolyn